Black Metal 101
December 14, 2006 by Jo Minor
Wanna stand out like a sore thumb among your buddies?
Ever felt the urge to scare the wits out of the runny-nosed kids in your neighborhood?
Need a permanent solution to skip Sunday morning church for the rest of your life?
If you’ve nodded in approval to any one of the questions above, take heed. You need to be Black Metal.
But…I don’t know anything about Black Metal…I don’t even listen to it!
You don’t even need to listen to Black Metal to be Black Metal. Here’s a list of what you should get - think of this as your Black Metal Starter Kit or something.
- Several Black Metal band t-shirts (the more worn out, the better)
- Your sister’s make up kit (tell her you want to cover up a zit or something)
- A liter of white paint (from your garage or the nearest hardware store)
- Some planks, some nails, bits of leather and a hammer (as above)
- Fake blood (can be substituted with real blood if you wish)
- Dead animals (road kill will do just fine)
Once you have these items, proceed to making a costume that looks something like the dudes in the pictures are wearing. Oh, and having a beer belly really helps so start packing on the pounds!
Those guys look silly! Why should I dress up like that?
Interesting question, kid. That’s why you should have an ever sillier Black Metal name, and start using it to address yourself all the time, everywhere. Yes, even on your school report card. Here are some Black Metal names for your reference:
- Necrobutcher
- Demonaz
- Blasphemer
- Legion
- Hellhammer
- Dead
- Euronymous
Remember to use the usual terms and references, but try to be original as well - you can also try combining two random words together, as long as it sounds Black Metal! By the way, you will stop whining about how cheesy and lame your new name is once you see your costume at the end of this lesson.
OK, I have a name…I think. I’ll keep it a secret for now, but it has something to do with an internal organ and a goat…so what do I do next?
Good job, kiddo. Now, we will put some of your shop class skills into good use. Remember the pieces of wood and the nails I told you to find earlier? Create a piece of medieval era weapon with them - a simple spiked club would do. You would want a slightly comical effect for your weapon as well, so make it look like something out of a B-Grade movie or something. Your weapon is now your best friend, and should bear some resemblance to the stuff the Immortal guys are wielding in the picture below.
Alright, that’s done…does this look like a weapon to you?
It sure does, young man. Excellent job! You might want to pull that nail out of your foot, though… Anyway, we’re nearing the end of our lesson for today. Now that you have a Black Metal name, a neat costume and your very own weapon, you can now start living the Black Metal life.
The Black Metal life?
Yes, the Black Metal life. You have to consider certain sacrifices and obey several rules of conduct if you want to be Black Metal. I will give you some tips but you will get the idea soon enough. Firstly, always carry a dead animal (or a part of it if it’s too big) around with you wherever you go. That will tell people that you have a fascination for death, Satan, and all that is dark. Secondly, talk in whispered tones - you should convey a brooding and gloomy attitude to everyone around you. Bloodstains on your face will help you get this across very well.
So am I black Metal now? Is there anything else I must do?
I can only show you the door, you must walk through it. Yes, I know that was taken from The Matrix - which, by the way, is a great movie for you to watch over and over again. It’s dark, it’s gloomy… and the main characters are in leather all the time. That’s pretty Black Metal to me. Scamper off now, kid…you’ve got some serious scaring to do!
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